Personality Makeover

I need one.

My Dad and Mom told me I need one. I actually agree with them but the problem is I have no idea where to begin. I mean, I do what know what I need but how to get them is another story. Or maybe I'm just stubborn. Sometimes even to lazy to do something about it.

Right now I don't have a steady job. I think I mentioned that in an earlier entry. I am now doing something about it. I am applying and searching for jobs that I can be good at and at the same time bring in the money so. But I am so scared of the part where I have to go in and say "Hi, I'm here to apply for a job." See I've never really gone to apply for a job. I'm Freelance Production Assistant for commercials. Meaning I get a job when there is one in the Production Houses that I frequent in. It also does not help that I am very conscious of how I look. I mean I'm not ugly but I definitely won't turn heads. Plus I could loose a few pounds... Ok a lot of pounds but the point is I know a lot of girls that have the same issues but apparently they know how to deal with them. They seem a lot more confident while when I try I come out seem trying to hard. I don't know... I think I need a coach or something. Anyone who could teach me to be more self confident and feel good about myself even if I don't look perfect.

I have options. I've thought a lot about how I can rise above this things like, I love the water so as a form exercise I'd rather swim but the idea of going to a public pool where everyone can see me scares the hell out of me. I'm also a frustrated dancer so I would also love to do that as alternative to going to the gym but again, my self consciousness gets ahead of me.

I want to be able to get through this. I really do. But something always pulls me back. I don't have enough courage.

I'm just really scared...

I Wanna Move Out

I want to get up, out and leave...

It's not that I don't like my family. I love them with all my heart but sometimes I just cannot stand being around them. Sometimes it's just so hard. All the pressure... All the responsibilities... It just ain't fun. I'm 24 for crying out loud. I should be out in the real word. Experiencing freedom. Trying to live on my own. But see, even if I could leave my family house right now, everything else will still follow. Even if I do manage to leave I am still expected to give money for the house maintenance. I will not be able to save up for MY future. I am going to sound really selfish in this entry I know but I just really have to get this out. With that is going on and all the repairs and everything, I will never be able to put up the money I will need for my own future. I won't be able to save up, for example a car, because every time I try to start something will come up and I will have to give it up.

I want to know what it's like to live with my own rules. Like go out whenever I want to. No questions asked. Go home as late as I want to without anyone telling me that I am going to have my a$$ kicked when I get home. I don't want to have to answer every questions that are thrown at me. I want the freedom to be with anyone I want to be with. I don't like being asked where I am going every time I'm going out or who I am going out with. I want to be able to decide for myself without feeling guilty afterwards.

I know my responsibilities. (There's that word again) but I think what keeps me from doing them is the fact that I cannot do things my way. There's always something blocking it. See for y culture it is not strange to stay in a house together with parents and siblings. One thing I don't complain about that is that I have all the comforts of home. I don't have to worry about any basic needs because I am provided with it.

But I just have to know what it feels like. Even just for a trial period. Even just for a little while. Just to get out of here. Just to feel what it's like not to be stuck....

Hating Someone You Love The Most

Is it even possible to carry around such a heavy baggage of emotions?
Answer: Apparently it's a YES since I still have my sanity.

I love my friends dearly. They helped me pull through my college years and even after that. We have been friends now for what seems like forever. We are all growing up not just physically but emotionally as well. So how come sometimes I feel like I just don't want to see them anymore or be with them? And how come I feel that they just don't give a damn about what happens to me anymore?

I feel so un- appreciated. The fact that one of my friends keep saying that she feels that way just sucks because that is exactly how she is making me feel right now. And how is it that one of our friends did domething worse to her gets it easy. She pursued her endlessly because she can't take it if she's at odds with one of us while I who don't even know what I did she just let slip away.

I have met so many people in my life. Some have been constantly a part of me. I've also lost friends along the way. It hurts to know that the people that you trusted your life with could one day just tell themselves to leave you out the cold.

Untitled I

I saw my Mom cry today.

It was heartbreaking. I felt so helpless. Like it or not, our Moms are the sources of our strength. It doesn't matter if your not in good terms with her or not you just feel it. It's a bond that forever holds our lives together. Sure i admit that they can be a pain in the you know what but not because they want to make our live miserable. I'ts because they (believe it or not) actually know what is good for us. Well most of the time. So seeing her crumple like that... I was so affected... I didn't know what to do...

See, my uncle is in the US and he just had a stroke. Mild as it was it is still hard for us (his family) because we are literally at the other side of the world. We are just so thankful for our relatives there who are taking care of him. Plus, we are so thankful to his new wife. When my mom finished talking to them, she said that she felt how my uncle's wife really cared for him. For that I am personally thanking God for all the blessings he bestowed upon my uncle. Yes he has been through a lot of hard things and yet the Lord never left his side.

Right now as I am writing this, my Mom is resting. Taking her afternoon siesta. I'm glad because i know that when she wakes up she's going to feel a lot better. No, she's not going to stop worrying but I am glad she can breath easier knowing that my Uncle is in good hands...

Have you ever...

... thought of dying?

really... have you ever given any thought as to how it would happen. would it be quick and painless? or would you rather take the long but with lots of pain route?

I've thought about it...

a lot...

I've even imagined what my funeral would be like. how my family and friends would shed tears for me. how they will realize how important i really am when they find out i will no longer be with them everyday. that i will not be there anymore to comfort them when they need it. that i won't be there anymore to give them advice. or the i will not be there anymore to listen to them when they just need to talk.

i know it sounds so horrible but sometimes, thinking about it, gives me a bit of a peaceful feeling.

you might wonder why I'm thinking about this things right?
see, i usually do that when someone or something is irritating me so. like fights with friends or family, when I'm harassed at work or when something just forces me down the drain. it may seem cynical but like i said, it leads me to a very quiet place...

iba iba lang talaga yan eh...